In Humour on
20 March 2009 with no comments
===================
High School/Jr.High
===================
10 PRINT “HELLO WORLD”
20 END
=====================
First year in College
=====================
program Hello(input, output)
begin
writeln(‘Hello World’);
end.
======================
Senior year in College
======================
(defun hello
(print
(cons ‘Hello (list ‘World))))
================
New professional
================
#include
void main(void)
{
char *message[] = {“Hello “, “World”};
int i;
for(i = 0; i Release();
// Tell OLE we are going away.
CoUninitialize();
return(0); }
extern CLSID CLSID_CHello;
extern UUID LIBID_CHelloLib;
CLSID CLSID_CHello = { /* 2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820
*/
0x2573F891,
0xCFEE,
0x101A,
{ 0x9A, 0x9F, 0×00, 0xAA, 0×00, 0×34, 0×28, 0×20 }
};
UUID LIBID_CHelloLib = { /*2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820
*/
0x2573F890,
0xCFEE,
0x101A,
{ 0x9A, 0x9F, 0×00, 0xAA, 0×00, 0×34, 0×28, 0×20 }
};
#include
#include
#include
#include
#include
#include “pshlo.h”
#include “shlo.hxx”
#include “clsid.h”
int _cdecl main(
int argc,
char * argv[]
) {
HRESULT hRslt;
IHello *pHello;
ULONG ulCnt;
IMoniker * pmk;
WCHAR wcsT[_MAX_PATH];
WCHAR wcsPath[2 * _MAX_PATH];
// get object path
wcsPath[0] = ‘\0′;
wcsT[0] = ‘\0′;
if( argc 1) {
mbstowcs(wcsPath, argv[1], strlen(argv[1]) + 1);
wcsupr(wcsPath);
}
else {
fprintf(stderr, “Object path must be specified\n”);
return(1);
}
// get print string
if(argc 2)
mbstowcs(wcsT, argv[2], strlen(argv[2]) + 1);
else
wcscpy(wcsT, L”Hello World”);
printf(“Linking to object %ws\n”, wcsPath);
printf(“Text String %ws\n”, wcsT);
// Initialize the OLE libraries
hRslt = CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);
if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {
hRslt = CreateFileMoniker(wcsPath, &pmk);
if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt))
hRslt = BindMoniker(pmk, 0, IID_IHello, (void **)&pHello);
if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {
// print a string out
pHello->PrintSz(wcsT);
Sleep(2000);
ulCnt = pHello->Release();
}
else
printf(“Failure to connect, status: %lx”, hRslt);
// Tell OLE we are going away.
CoUninitialize();
}
return(0);
}
=================
Apprentice Hacker
=================
#!/usr/local/bin/perl
$msg=”Hello, world.\n”;
if ($#ARGV >= 0) {
while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) {
$outfilename = $arg;
open(FILE, “>” . $outfilename) | die “Can’t write $arg: $!\n”;
print (FILE $msg);
close(FILE) || die “Can’t close $arg: $!\n”;
}
} else {
print ($msg);
}
1;
==================
Experienced Hacker
==================
#include
#define S “Hello, World\n”
main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}
===============
Seasoned Hacker
===============
% cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
% a.out
===========
Guru Hacker
===========
% cat
Hello, world.
^D
=====================
AXE System programmer
=====================
LL0:
.seg “data”
.seg “text”
.proc 04
.global _main
_main:
!#PROLOGUE# 0
sethi %hi(LF26),%g1
add %g1,%lo(LF26),%g1
save %sp,%g1,%sp
!#PROLOGUE# 1
.seg “data1″
L30:
.ascii “Hello, World\012\0″
.seg “text”
.seg “data1″
L32:
.ascii “Hello, World\012\0″
.seg “text”
set L32,%o0
call _strlen,1
nop
mov %o0,%i5
set L30,%o0
call _printf,1
nop
cmp %o0,%i5
bne L2000000
nop
mov 0,%o0
b L2000001
nop
L2000000:
mov 0×1,%o0
L2000001:
call _exit,1
nop
LE26:
ret
restore
LF26 = -96
LP26 = 96
LST26 = 96
LT26 = 96
.seg “data”
0000000 0103 0107 0000 0060 0000 0020 0000 0000
0000020 0000 0030 0000 0000 0000 0054 0000 0000
0000040 033f ffff 8200 63a0 9de3 8001 1100 0000
0000060 9012 2000 4000 0000 0100 0000 ba10 0008
0000100 1100 0000 9012 2000 4000 0000 0100 00 ba10 0008
0000100 1100 0000 9012 2000 4000 0000 0100 0000
0000120 80a2 001d 1280 0005 0100 0000 9010 2000
0000140 1080 0003 0100 0000 9010 2001 4000 0000
0000160 0100 0000 81c7 e008 81e8 0000 0000 0000
0000200 4865 6c6c 6f2c 2057 6f72 6c64 0a00 4865
0000220 6c6c 6f2c 2057 6f72 6c64 0a00 0000 0000
0000240 0000 000c 0000 0608 0000 006e 0000 0010
0000260 0000 060b 0000 006e 0000 0014 0000 0286
0000300 ffff ffec 0000 0020 0000 0608 0000 0060
0000320 0000 0024 0000 060b 0000 0060 0000 0028
0000340 0000 0186 ffff ffd8 0000 004c 0000 0386
0000360 ffff ffb4 0000 0004 0500 0000 0000 0000
0000400 0000 000a 0100 0000 0000 0000 0000 0012
0000420 0100 0000 0000 0000 0000 001a 0100 0000
0000440 0000 0000 0000 0020 5f6d 6169 6e00 5f70
0000460 7269 6e74 6600 5f73 7472 6c65 6e00 5f65
0000500 7869 7400
0000504
% axe_generate -f system.uhdl
Application ‘Exchange’ generated
2324042350000000 source code lines
No Errors detected.
Hardware retrieval…done OK
Certification Test…done OK
Packing…………..done OK
Delivery………….done OK
Application ‘Exchange’ delivered to customer
23456000 bytes/sec.
End processing, 2345 seconds.
===========================
Ultra high level programmer
===========================
system.uhdl :
SYSTEM
CREATE ScreenWin
SIZE 20000000/Unit=One
DESTINATION Order.dest[One]
OUTPUT CHARACTER['Hello world']
END
END
===========
New Manager
===========
10 PRINT “HELLO WORLD”
20 END
==============
Middle Manager
==============
mail -s “Hello, world.” bob@b12
Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, world."?
I need it by tomorrow.
==============
Senior Manager
==============
% zmail all
I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon.
===============
Chief Executive
===============
% message
message: Command not found
% pm
pm: Command not found
% letter
letter: Command not found.
% mail
To: ^X ^F ^C
help mail
help: Command not found.
>what
what: Command not found
>need help
need: Command not found
damn!
!: Event unrecognized
>exit
exit: Unknown
>quit
%
% logout
Bipppp! Mrs Thomsson? Please page Tommy for me. NOW!
In Humour on
20 March 2009 with no comments
NT Chicken
Was going to cross the road in June. No, August. Anyway – it’s going to cross the road real soon now.
OS/2 Chicken
It tried to cross the road several times, and finally gave up.
Win 95 Chicken
You see different colored feathers while it crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like… chicken.
Micro$oft© ChickenT¸
It’s already on both sides of the road. And it just bought the road.
OOP Chicken
It doesn’t need to cross the road, it just sends a message.
Assembler Chicken
First it builds the road …
C Chicken
It crosses the road without looking both ways.
C++ Chicken
The chicken wouldn’t have to cross the road, you’d simply refer to him on the other side.
VB Chicken
Call CrossRoad(ByRef Chicken)
Delphi Chicken
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped on the other side.
Java Chicken
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the server will download a chicklet to the other side.
Web Chicken
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on running.
Newton Chicken
Can’t cluck, can’t fly, and can’t lay eggs, but you can carry it across the road in your pocket.
Cray Chicken
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you don’t dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side fully cooked.
Quantum Logic Chicken
The chicken is distributed probabilistically on both sides of all roads in every parallel universe until you collapse its wavefunction on the other side of your particular road.
Lotus Chicken
Don’t you dare try to cross the road the same way we do!
Mac Chicken
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to cross the road, so there’s no way to tell it to.
COBOL Chicken
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY I UNTIL
ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE
GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING
UNIX chicken
In the next county, but accessible as if on both sides of the road
In Humour on
20 March 2009 tagged theregister with no comments
So you want to be a support profesional
Technical support is possibly the simplest area of the IT industry. Some organisations would appear to have got hold of the wrong end of the stick and introduced a call centre located in Bosnia, Scotland or Northern Ireland staffed with willing, knowledgeable people who unfortunately cannot speak a word of English.
Others seem to go for a fun-packed, caring, sharing chat room approach where you discover (after an hour at £1 a minute) that you are talking to a sad widower from Helsinki, a serial killer from Detroit, a Tory member of parliament, an alien from the planet Zarg and absolutely no one from technical support.
The golden rule of tech support is that you always know more than the poor sucker calling in.
Let’s look at a few examples.
1. Hello, I seem to have forgotten my password.
Well, let’s see if I can help. Just tell me your credit card numbers, your pin, your mother’s maiden name, your bank account details and any other secret codes you use. Now simply ignore any unusual transactions on your bank and credit card statements for the next six months. These will be insignificant errors caused by the clearing of your password.
2. But what is my password?
I think you’ll find it’s ‘password’.
3. My monitor is blank. What should I do?
Monitors can display blankness for a number of reasons:
Do you have a visual impairment such as total blindness?
Do you still have a bag over your head from a dimly-remembered sleazy encounter last night?
Are you a Guardian proof-reader?
4. My PC is making strange gasping noises. What could be wrong?
You have probably stumbled across an erotic website. Simply forward me the url.
5. Last week I bought a Cape Cod motherboard because Intel said there was absolutely nothing wrong with it despite 27 reports to the contrary in that sleazy online rag, The Register. Now I discover that it is as useful as a copy of Windows 2000 to a committed game player. What do you recommend?
Keep the mobo. You will find a myriad of uses for it. You could try hanging it over the front door to ward off evil spirits; possibly as a mouse mat which will help you avoid RSI due to its uneven surface; or even as security against a bank loan – “this CC820 may only be worth $100, but if I send it back to Intel, they will send me a replacement motherboard, $1,000 worth of RDAM and a no-questions-asked hush money payment in excess of five figures.”
6. I have recently taken the advice of a charlatan going by the name of Dr. Spinola. What should I do?
My best advice would be to avoid pressing charges. We know where you live; we have your bank details; and we have no conscience.
7. What is the best way to choose a new PC?
Go for a beige one.
8. How do I know you are a reliable source of information?
Ha ha ha! If you need to ask such questions, you are probably a senior Intel marketing manager.
9. I have a number of small but niggling problems with my computer. It seems to work fine, but occasionally it seems to display the wrong font. What should I do?
Simply boot your system from a floppy disk and type “FORMAT C:” All your problems will be different, if not actually solved.
10. I have a sneaky feeling that you have at least two different personalities. One would appear to be a disreputable old drunk from Aberdeen and the other a disreputable old drunk from just north of London. Occasionally you also seem to turn into a, feathered, American law enforcer who pretends to live in Wales who is also almost certainly a disreputable old drunk. What should I believe?
You should believe in death, taxes, Larry Ellison’s loathing of Bill Gates and Intel’s inability to ship a working chipset.
© El Reg
In Humour on
20 March 2009 with no comments
12 STEP PROGRAM OF RECOVERY FOR NETWORK ADDICTS
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.
7) I will read a book…if I still remember how. 
I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime … and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
In Humour on
20 March 2009 with no comments
Dear
[ ] Newbie [ ] Lamer [ ] AOLer
[ ] “Me too”er [ ] Pervert [ ] WebTVer
[ ] Spammer [ ] Nerd [ ] Pre-teen
[ ] Smartass [ ] Freak [ ] Dumbass
[ ] All of the above
You Are Being Flamed Because
[ ] You posted using Microsoft’s crappy & buggy program
[ ] You expect us to send all the replies to your mailbox
[ ] You posted asking for warez sites
[ ] You want to know how to write viruses
[ ] You continued a long/stupid thread
[ ] You begun an off-topic thread
[ ] You posted a “YOU ALL SUCK” message
[ ] You are a troll
[ ] You tried to take on this whole newsgroup (see “troll” above)
[ ] You are a lamer
[ ] You quoted a long article without snipping
[ ] in a very short reply
[ ] You flamed a poor guy in distress trying to find some help
[ ] You flamed someone who is more intelligent than you
[ ] You flamed someone who has been around far longer than you
[ ] You flamed someone for making a spelling mistake
[ ] and misspelled something yourself
[ ] You said “me too” to something. We hate you people.
[ ] You suck.
[ ] Your
[ ] Signature
[ ] Domain name
[ ] Alias
[ ] Website
[ ] ISP
[ ] Newsreader
sucks
[ ] You posted an ad
[ ] for a phone-sex line
[ ] for a porn site
[ ] for a company that “pays you to surf”
[ ] for the reason that you would gain references
[ ] to non-relevant groups
[ ] and is probably a scam anyway
[ ] which sucks since nobody asked for it
[ ] You posted a stupid pyramid scheme and claimed it was legal.
[ ] You spam
[ ] in HTML
[ ] You are wasting bandwidth
[ ] You posted a binary into a non-binaries group
[ ] You never post anything other that text to binaries groups
[ ] YOU POSTED IN ALL CAPS
[ ] You posted in eLiTe CaPS
[ ] You posted in HTML
[ ] You posted shite
[ ] in HTML
[ ] You continually post telling us what time you are on/offline
[ ] and refuse to stop
[ ] You started a flame-war
[ ] and lost
[ ] You keep sending a stupid scam to this group
[ ] You submitted e-mail addresses to spambots/”mailing” lists
[ ] causing mail servers to crash
[ ] causing people to change their e-mail address
[ ] Anything above has been pointed out before
To Repent, You Must
[ ] Give up your AOL/WebTV account
[ ] Tell your Mummy you’ve been a bad boy
[ ] Jump into a bathtub while holding your monitor
[ ] Post something relevant (or not at all)
[ ] Be the guest of honor in alt.flame for a month
[ ] Delete your news/mail client and burn the disks
[ ] Right click on this newsgroup and click “unsubscribe”
[ ] Pack your computer and send it to me
[ ] Actually tell the truth about Office 2000
In Closing, I Would Like To Say
[ ] Get a life
[ ] Don’t do it ever again please
[ ] Never post again
[ ] Age 10 more years before you post again
[ ] I pity your dog
[ ] CAPS LOCK is on the left
[ ] Go to hell
[ ] I hate your news/mail client
[ ] And so does everyone else
[ ] Everybody here hates you
[ ] Learn to quote
[ ] All of the above
[ ] Merry Christmas and a Cool Yule!
In Humour on
20 March 2009 with no comments
/*TOP SECRET Microsoft(c) CodeProject: Chicago(tm)
Projected release-date: Summer 1998
*/
#include “allwin31.h”
#include “allwin95.h”
#include “somewinnt.h”
#include “restjunk.h”
#define INSTALL = “2 HARD”
char make_prog_look_big[1600000000];
void main()
{ while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_75_megabyte_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed)
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
#if (YEAR > 1997)
basically_run_windows_3.1();
#else
basically_run_windows_95();
#endif
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
{ disable_cache(); }
if (fast_cpu())
{ set_wait_states(MAX_WAIT_STATES);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
/* printf(“Welcome to Windows 3.11″); */
/* printf(“Welcome to Windows 95″); */
printf(“Welcome to Windows 98″);
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open(“a:\swp0001.swp”, O_CREATE);
while(1)
{
get_user_input();
sleep(25);
act_on_user_input();
if(uptime() > 300) create_general_protection_fault();
sleep(25);
}
}
In Humour on
20 March 2009 with no comments
Is Windows a Virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:
They replicate quickly – okay, Windows does that.
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so – okay, Windows does that.
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk – okay, Windows does that too.
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh… Windows does that, too.
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow and the user will buy new hardware.
Yup, that’s with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:
Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It’s a bug.
In Humour on
20 March 2009 with no comments
Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned that I had recently installed Windows XP on my PC. I told him how happy I was with this operating system and showed him the Windows XP CD. To my surprise he threw it into my microwave oven and turned it on.
Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: ‘Do not worry, it is unharmed.’
After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: ‘Take a close look at it.’
To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription, an inscription finer than anything I had ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:
12413AEB2ED4FA5E6F7D78E78BEDE820945092OF923A40EElOE5IOCC98D444AA08E324
‘I cannot understand the fiery letters,’ I said in a timid voice. ‘No but I can,’ he said. ‘The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:
One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them.
It is only two lines from a verse long known in System lore:
“Three OS’s from corporate kings in their towers of glass,
Seven from valley lords where orchards used to grow,
Nine from dotcoms doomed to die,
One from the Dark Lord Gates on his dark throne
In the Land of Redmond where the Shadows lie.
One OS to rule them all, one OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them,
In the Land of Redmond where the Shadows lie.”
A NOTE OF WARNING – SERIOUSLY
Don’t, I SAY – DON’T, put a CD in a microwave to test the story. The ‘shiny’ layer inside all CD’s is a thin layer of aluminum and WILL GET HOT!
In Humour on
20 March 2009 with no comments
A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and
B is for biff, which reads all your mail.
C is for cc, as hackers recall, while
D is for dd, the command that does all.
E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and
F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees.
G is for grep, a clever detective, while
H is for halt, which may seem defective.
I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and
J is for join, which nobody uses.
K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while
L is for lex, which is missing from DOS.
M is for more, from which less was begot, and
N is for nice, which it really is not.
O is for od, which prints out things nice, while
P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice.
Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and
R is for ranlib, for sorting a table.
S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while
T is for true, which does very little.
U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and
V is for vi, which is hard to abort.
W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while
X is, well, X, of dubious fame.
Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and
Z is for zcat, which handles compression.
In Humour on
20 March 2009 with no comments
1. Uncritical acceptance
2. Wild enthusiasm
3. Dejected disillusionment
4. Total confusion
5. Search for the guilty
6. Punishment of the innocent
7. Promotion of the non-participants
